Ask Vlad the Impaler

Vlad the Impaler and advice columnist

It’s not always easy to know what to do. Unsure how to react? Don’t know where to compromise? Ask that famous (or infamous) character out of history — Vlad the Impaler. You might find that this so-called “maniac” and minion of Hell has just the right insight for what’s “impaling” your craw.
Dear Vlad,
I want to invite my relatives to visit for three weeks. But my husband will only agree to a three-day visit. How can we work this out? –Daughter in Des Moines
Dear Daughter,
The solution to your problem is simple. Invite the relatives for one day. I will drop by in the afternoon, about two-ish, and IMPALE YOU, YOUR WORM-LIKE HUSBAND AND ALL YOUR WRETCHED FAMILY. YOUR SOULS WILL BE DAMNED TO BURN AND ROT IN THE BLACK INFERNO OF HELL FOR 10 TIMES A BILLION BILLION YEARS, SUFFERING HIDEOUS AGONIES BEYOND MORTAL COMPREHENSION!!! Hope I’ve helped – Vlad
Dear Vlad,
Our teenage son, Martin, is upset with his mother and me because we’ve imposed a 9 p.m. weekday curfew on him, and an 11 p.m. curfew for weekends. We’ve tried to explain that it’s for his own good, but he just becomes more and more sullen. Can you help? — Dad in Dubuque
Dear Dad,
I can’t help but think that part of Martin’s problem is our modern day “permissive” society. When I was a lad things were a bit different, you can be sure! Still, I suggest a traditional remedy for this sensitive situation, namely, that I stop by tomorrow evening and IMPALE YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC, CRAWLING, VERMINOUS, MAGGOT FAMILY. AS I CHEW THE BRAIN FROM YOUR DISEASED GRAPE, I WILL CURSE YOUR SECOND-RATE SOULS TO THE SHRIEKING JAWS OF HELL, WHERE YOU WILL BE DAMNED TO BLIND, BURNING, WRITHING AGONY UNTIL ONE HUNDRED BILLION UNIVERSES HAVE CRUMBLED TO STINKING DUST!!!
Hope I’ve helped. – Vlad
Dear Vlad,
The management at my workplace sometimes appears to be a bit high-handed and unfeeling toward us lower-echelon employees. What’s the best way to deal with this situation? — Frustrated in Fresno
Dear Frustrated,
The problem you describe is a common one — especially in today’s helter-skelter work climate. Believe it or not, even I — Vlad — have at times been criticized for an attitude perceived to be less than caring toward those under my supervision. I suggest calling a meeting of both parties. I’ll stop by and IMPALE YOU AND YOUR PITIFUL CRINGING CROWD OF GUTLESS CO-WORKERS, AS WELL AS YOUR DISGUSTING PARASITIC, CRETINOUS MANAGEMENT. YOU SHALL BE IMPALED OPEN END TO OPEN END, THEN DAMNED TO WRITHE FOR 10 ETERNITIES IN A CORNER OF HELL SO HIDEOUS THAT YOUR ROTTEN MELON-HEAD WOULD BURST APART IN BLOODY FROTH IF YOU HEARD THE FIRST SYLLABLE OF ITS UNSPEAKABLE NAME!!!
Hope I’ve helped – Vlad
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“Ask Vlad the Impaler” reprinted here from WHAT HAPPENED TO JORY AND OTHER DARK DEPARTURES, a collection of stories short and otherwise, available at Amazon.